


Ouma Kokichi

by kaptivated



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Childhood Friends, Depression, Exposition, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-04 03:00:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15832398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaptivated/pseuds/kaptivated
Summary: Ouma Kokichi is the Ultimate Supreme Leader, and there is nothing more to it than that.





	1. Ouma Kokichi

Ouma Kokichi is the Ultimate Supreme Leader, and there is nothing more to it than that.  
  
As all cold-hearted dictators should be, he has no sense of sympathy for those beneath him, and that means everybody. Everybody is a worm beneath his feet, made by God for the sole purpose of being crushed under his heel. But unlike some leaders, Ouma Kokichi isn't satisfied with simply having power. Rather, he finds it extremely pleasurable to use his superiority to toy with his inferiors and torment them for as long as they live.  
  
He likes to pretend he's one of them, gaining their trust before splitting it in pieces. He also enjoys pitting them against each other with whispered truths and boldly-proclaimed lies. Naturally, the Ultimate Supreme Leader should have a twisted personality, so he's not quite sure how they just keep falling for it every single time... They like to think that underneath his guise, he truly is a kind person deep down, with only the best intentions for all. It's much easier to stomach his actions when they convince themselves of that lie.  
  
But the truth is plain and simple: Ouma Kokichi is a sadistic, unrepentant asshole, and he would have it no other way.  
  
  
  
  
Hehe, it feels weird to write about myself in third person.  
  
Usually when I open fics with first person, I nope the fuck out of there right away. But honestly, that's not very fair. There are some really good first person fics out there, you know? You should at least give the first few paragraphs a chance...  
  
So I tricked you guys a little. Sorry!  
  
I am Ouma Kokichi, though. Just not the same one I wrote about. I wrote a lot of different "Ouma Kokichi"s for my audition, but I think this one is my favorite.  
  
Maybe you guys already know about him. By the time this gets published, it should have been a year or two since V3 was released. Depends on which date the algorithm chooses.  
  
So basically, as of me writing this, I've been accepted as a participant in Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony. But by the time you read this, I'll already be dead.  
  
Wowie, how morbid. Do I sound like an edgy teenager yet?  
  
Anyway, I still have a few weeks before I head to Danganronpa's headquarters. I'll go through the whole personality-altering process and then get thrown into a killing game.  
  
I'll die, most likely. Even if I don't, the me that exists now will die anyway.  
  
I don't think anyone will care, really... Well, maybe one person. But I'd rather he didn't.  
  
See, my life is a completely uninteresting failure. It's quite boring. I haven't accomplished much of anything, and I don't really have any desire to do so in the future. I really hate that. For a while, I tried really hard to find something I cared about, something to do with my time and make me excited about living and following my dreams or whatever... But even if I get really into something, it always fades away after a few weeks. I just can't seem to make myself care about anything. I have no one who really cares about me either, so I don't have any reason to exist.  
  
Even so, I can't help but feel like it'd be a shame if all my memories just... disappeared. Forever. Then it's like none of it ever happened. Even if I wish I had never happened anyway, the reality is that I exist now. Maybe I just really want someone to acknowledge that.  
  
Yeah, I really hope you're out there reading this. Someone. Anyone. Tell me I exist.  
  
Me, Ouma Kokichi, who is going to leave this world very soon.  
  
Sorry, I don't really know what I'm talking about. You can't tell me when I'm dead. I'm just being a dramatic bitch.  
  
Anyway, enough self-pitying bullshit. I can talk about that later. I've programmed it so that one chapter will be published every week. So, look forward to me rambling about my stupid life, I guess. I'll try to save the emotional shit for later. For now...  
  
An introduction? A bio of sorts?  
  
Ouma Kokichi, 16, Gemini. I'm a fourth-year in uni because Mom thinks I'm a child prodigy and had me apply to colleges when I was still a prepubescent loser.  
  
I study computer stuff cause it's easy to make money this way. That's how I ended up writing this program. It parses Archive Of Our Own and is scheduled to automatically publish this anonymously. I'm surprised that there's already a tag for V3, considering no one even knows the cast yet. Except for Amami, I guess.  
  
I also thought about making this bot work on multiple platforms like Tumblr or something but it's honestly a pain in the ass to deal with the different backend on each website so just AO3 will do.  
  
There's a lot of things I'm not supposed to disclose about my involvement with Danganronpa or what they do there, but I say fuck that. If this fic gets deleted then the program will just post it again. Until they mess with the website's code again and my program breaks. Ha, imagine them redoing the system just to kick me out. That's the skill I've managed to learn in these past 4 years.  
  
Sorry, Mom. I spent all your money to get an amazing education and I'm using it to write a shitty blog on a fanfiction site. You'll be really mad when you see me in the trailers. But if you think about it this way, now you'll never have to argue with me again. I know I'm a hotheaded, annoying little brat, so I'm sure you'll be relieved, even if you won't admit it.  
  
I'm actually supposed to be in class right now, but ever since I got accepted I haven't left my room much. No point, right? I've been spending all my time writing this program instead.  
  
I know I said I just want my existence to be acknowledged, but there is a certain thing that really pushed me to go through with this, and that has less to do with me and more to do with my friend. He called me last week, asking how everything was going. It had been a really long time since we talked, and I wasn't really sure how to talk to him, so I lied and told him everything was going well, as usual.  
  
I didn't realize until after I hung up just how much I had been missing him.  
  
His name is Shuichi. No last name, cause I know you weird ass people are gonna track him down or something.  
  
Anyway, Shuichi and I have known each other for as long as I can remember. When we were kids, we went to the same church together.  
  
To tell the truth, I hated Shuichi at first. I thought he was the weirdest, most annoying little prick, and I'd make fun of him all the time. My mom got mad at me for that, so I stopped. Thinking about it now, I feel really bad about it. Shuichi went through a lot of horrible shit as a kid, and I didn't learn about that until much, much later. I haven't even properly apologized yet, cause I'm a god awful friend.  
  
Sorry, Shuichi, if you're reading this. Which you might be, considering how much you love Danganronpa. I caught you once reading Naegiri smut, you can't fool me.  
  
Anyway, I realized how much I missed him. And how lonely I was. I haven't made any friends here, really. Everyone here talks down to me anyway cause I'm way younger than I should be. I mostly just do well in classes, play video games, write dumb programs like this... I like singing sometimes? Just alone in my room. It's soothing.  
  
Well, I'm just a weirdo that sings to himself alone and hasn't had a real conversation in months. The last time was when I moved in spring semester and Shuichi came up to help me carry things.  
  
He's still in high school like a normal 16-year-old should be. Far, far away because there's no good colleges where I'm from.  
  
He's gotten a lot taller this year. I'm so tiny compared to him, it's frustrating. He used to be smaller than me... and a little chubby, too, haha. Cute little baby fat.  
  
I'm really glad I got to know Shuichi. Honestly, if it weren't for him, I'd probably have killed myself a long time ago.  
  
There was a time when I used to hurt myself a lot. Don't worry, I've been clean for a few months now. Shuichi helped me with that. I owe a lot to him. I've been trying to make things up to him, somehow. I've been telling myself to keep going, for his sake. Once I graduate, then I can go back and see him again. I'll get to show off and he'll say he's so proud of me. Then we can have sleepovers and dinner and crazy nights out together like we used to.  
  
I've been telling myself that for the past 4 years, but it's not enough. It's just not enough. Shuichi has changed a lot anyway. He's changed so much, and I don't get to be around him anymore. It's like I hardly even know who he is. Does he even still care about me? Did he ever really care at all?  
  
Ever since he called me, I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about all the times we used to spend together, and I can't stop thinking about how we'll never have that again.  
  
I'm not good enough for him. I don't know how to be happy anymore. I don't know how to make him happy anymore. The worst part is that I hate this and want things to change, but at the same time I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I care, but I don't. It sucks. I suck.  
  
More than wanting myself to be acknowledged, I want our old times to be remembered. The memories I've made with him are so precious to me. I want someone, somewhere, to know that I've loved being with Shuichi. I want to record somewhere all the fun and terrible things we've been through together. That's the only thing worthwhile about my life.  
  
See, I try to write a bio about myself and I just end up talking about him instead. There really is nothing interesting about me, by myself.  
  
I'll talk more about Shuichi later. I bet you're all curious about how my audition went, why I did it, etc... So I'll tell you in a week.  
  
Thanks for reading this far.


	2. My Audition

Hello, testing, testing, 123! Is my program working?  
  
It should be about a week since the first chapter was posted. If not... I must've really fucked up a conditional or something. I should probably make a debugger soon. Debugging is the worst, though.  
  
Oh, it would be really funny if I messed up a loop and the program updated this fic infinitely! Does AO3 have any guards against adding a chapter every second? I should look into that.  
  
Anyway, as promised, it's time to talk about my audition! Get your popcorn ready, Danganronpa junkies. This is your in-depth guide to auditions that you've never seen before!  
  
I took the high-speed train to Tokyo and took the metro to get to the audition site. I know the Tokyo metro is super packed anyway, but the sheer number of Danganronpa freaks all smushed together in the subway was even worse than I had imagined.  
  
It was really overwhelming. I stay pretty isolated in college, so suddenly being thrown into that kind of environment really freaked me out. I think I started dissociating or something cause I can't really remember what happened for a while. I just remember I somehow made it to a really long line outside the headquarters.  
  
It was really hot out, it made me super sweaty and itchy and gross. It felt so nice when I finally got into the building.  
  
There were a whole bunch of people there, just practicing their auditions and chatting about why they wanted to be in Danganronpa. It's kinda amazing how many people were there... I mean, I know Danganronpa is a really popular franchise and all, but I don't hear too much about people actually wanting to take part in the killing game. Although, to be fair, there were a lot of people auditioning to be part of the staff, too. Then you can be part of Danganronpa without risking your life, I guess.  
  
A lady was there, directing people into different rooms for their auditions. They'd take a group of 10 people into a room at a time, starting from the line at the front.  
  
I got really nervous when my line was next. Like I mentioned before, I wrote about a lot of different "Ouma Kokichi"s for my audition. It was really hard to decide which one I liked the most, and even then, I felt like my idea was too unoriginal compared to some of the stuff Team Danganronpa has done in the past.  
  
I was shaking so much, I barely heard the lady when she asked my line to go in.  
  
Once we were inside, there was a row of 3 judges sitting a desk at the side of the room. They had us line up against the wall and go up one by one. Thankfully, I was the last one in line, so I got to see what the judges were looking for first.  
  
The first girl walked up to the judges' table. There was a big camera there, too. They told her to look directly into the lens and state her name and number, then describe why she wanted to be in V3.  
  
She was only like... two sentences in before the judge in the middle put her hand up and told her to stop. Really, all she said was, "Stop. Next."  
  
It was so terrifying. She did that to the next few people, too. Then there was one guy who she didn't stop, and he got pulled aside to a different room. I don't really get their criteria for choosing participants, because this little asshole just talked about how he excited he was to kill people and win fame and fortune. Honestly, what a basic motive. It can't get any more basic than that. But I don't know, maybe he had a nice face or something. They do take that stuff into consideration, since they don't really change physical appearance much. Just hairstyles and clothes and stuff.  
  
Anyway, it finally got around to me, so I walked up and stared into the camera and started blanking. I thought, shit, I haven't even said anything and I've already fucked up. But then I just kinda started talking on my own, like some spirit had possessed me or something, and before I knew it, I was rambling on about not just my favorite idea, but all my other "Ouma Kokichi"s as well.  
  
At that point, I was thinking that I really needed to shut up and just let this be over with, but then the judge asked me if I had any other interesting ideas. That caught me so off guard. I was shook, as you say.  
  
So I shared more. Then she pulled me aside into the other room and they told me I had been accepted. I still can't quite believe it's real.  
  
That's how I got in. Maybe if you guys come up with a lot of character ideas, you can get in too. I guess I can share some of mine, for reference.  
  
"Ouma Kokichi is the Ultimate Artist. What kind of art? Just about any! Everything from painting to photography to ceramics. But Ouma loves sculpting in particular.  
  
Almost to a creepy extent, the sculptures he makes are far too realistic. He enjoys making models of his friends and family, as they bring him comfort even when the real, breathing people are far away.  
  
Ouma is actually quite a lonely person, in that sense. But he doesn't seem to notice or mind. Marked by a signature smile and an overflowing pep in his step, Ouma radiates positivity and always encourages the people around him. Though perhaps, this is just his way of hiding from the deep-rooted loneliness he feels inside."  
  
I wrote about that one last semester during finals. I had taken a pottery class for fun, and had a big project for the final. It's a purple vase, I still have it sitting on my kitchen counter.  
  
Here's another good one.  
  
"Ouma Kokichi is the Ultimate Assassin, and as such, he has no qualms with participating in the killing game. Or, at least, that's how it should be.  
  
At a young age, Ouma witnessed the deaths of his own parents at the hand of the one who would soon become his mentor. Was it the way his expression became so blank and uncaring in the face of death, not a single tear shed for his loving caretakers, that convinced this killer to take Ouma under her wing? Or maybe, it was the fierce passion that burned in his eyes when his own life was threatened next?  
  
One thing was sure, Ouma did not care for any life but his own, and it was that rationale that made it so easy for him to take lives of his own. For many years, he did as he was told, killing targets indiscriminately with little regard. However, it was fate that brought Ouma to meet someone that melted his cold heart.  
  
That someone has been captured to participate in the killing game. And so, in order to protect the life of his beloved, Ouma's talent for killing has become utterly useless."  
  
That was definitely not inspired by a shitty anime I binged at 2 in the morning, not at all.  
  
Ok, one more.  
  
"Ouma Kokichi is the Ultimate Pianist. A master of all genres, he truly is a child prodigy in his field.  
  
Ouma loves pieces from the Romantic era the most. A sucker for Chopin, he can often be found playing the desperate anger of Winter Wind, the lonesome goodbyes of Tristesse, or the graceful yet burning passion of Ballade No. 1.  
  
Perhaps his emotions burn too brightly though, because while they do drive Ouma to rally the classmates together despite the dread of their predicament, they also drive Ouma to his ultimate doom. In his desperate desire to save others, he drives himself into a inescapable hole, bearing by himself the consequences of his hasty mistakes."  
  
I do like Chopin, really. He's a real genius, unlike me. I just pump out the grades without any real creativity of my own. Or, well... I guess writing these characters means I'm at least a little creative. Maybe a better way to put it is that I have no drive to do anything actually useful for society. I just do what I'm supposed to do.  
  
I wasn't supposed to audition for Danganronpa though. It's the first time I really made a big decision by myself. It's my last big decision too.  
  
Why did I do it? I'm not even entirely sure, myself. I'm so close to graduating. It would make my mom really happy. And Shuichi is waiting at home too. Honestly, it's the worst possible time for me to die.  
  
Maybe that's why. I just want to ruin everything about my life and fuck off. Like Enoshima Junko says, the worst despair comes right after the greatest hope. Hahaha.  
  
Now that that's out of the way, I'm sure you rabid fans have had enough hearing from pre-game Ouma Kokichi. Everything from here has nothing to do with whichever personality I get in the game. Sorry to disappoint. I'd be happy if you guys kept reading though.


	3. My Memories

I met Shuichi when I was 5.  
  
We were neighbors. My mom was going through a really awful time after my dad committed suicide, and Shuichi's mom was really supportive. She'd come over a lot and make meals for us, help babysit me while my mom was busy looking for jobs or visiting her therapist.  
  
Shuichi's mom invited mine to come to her church because they had a great community or something, so that's when I started going every week.  
  
Church was pretty nice. They had lots of snacks after service, and little me loved munching on their chips. The choir was really talented too, the music was absolutely breathtaking. Since my mom was having a hard time, some of the church members would visit our house and bring us delicious home-cooked meals.  
  
Of course, the best part about it all was that I got to spend all morning every Sunday with Shuichi.  
  
Back then, that meant I had an absolute blast bullying the shit out of him. I was an awful kid. I would literally walk up to other kids and stomp on their feet as my way of saying hello. I still remember, this one time in 4th grade, I slapped some kid's necklace against her face and it hit her eye, so she had to go to the nurse and it was just a huge mess... Mom got really mad at me when she came to pick me up from detention. I still thought it was kinda funny though, cause I was seriously a mean fucking kid.  
  
I made fun of Shuichi a lot. He has a really bad stutter, and when he gets really excited he always starts tripping over his words. I was an impatient kid, so I'd get mad at him for taking too long to finish his sentences. I would tell him to shut up whenever he got near me.  
  
When Shuichi's mom noticed the way I treated her kid, she got really upset and told my mom that she needs to discipline me better. My mom was really ashamed, so she stopped going to church for a while. She got really depressed again and had to change her hours so she could be home in time to take care of me. But since I was a shitty, ungrateful kid, I'd get mad at her for stupid things like buying me the wrong kind of soda or not listening when I asked for a DS for my birthday.  
  
One day, Mom ended up in the hospital. She was so overworked and stressed that she collapsed on the way home. I was 9 then.  
  
Shuichi's mom drove me to the hospital to see her. When I went in, she wouldn't even look at me. She said she couldn't be around me right now.  
  
I think I realized then just how horrible I was.  
  
I waited in the hall with Shuichi and his mom, and I asked why they were still there with me, even though this was all my fault.  
  
Shuichi told me, "I-It's not your f-f-fault... K-Kokichi..."  
  
He squeezed my hand and smiled at me and I wanted to tell him to get his disgusting hands away from me and shut the fuck up, stop being nice to me and giving me second chances and just tell me how much you hate my guts!  
  
But I thought about my mom, about how utterly defeated she sounded and how dead she seemed and how she wouldn't even look at my face, and I said nothing. I started crying and Shuichi gave me the packet of tissues he kept in his right pocket. When he ran out, he asked his mom for more tissues from her purse. After he ran out of those, he asked the nurse for some more.  
  
Shuichi's mom went in for a while, and when she came back she said that I could go in now. I didn't really want to, but Shuichi said that I should go. So I did.  
  
I thought Mom would be really mad at me still, and she was, but she also hugged me tight and told me she was sorry. I thought that was really strange. I was the one who should've said sorry. I was the one that was wrong. Still, I couldn't bring myself to say it. I think, maybe if I had started apologizing then, I wouldn't be able to stop.  
  
Mom started going back to church with her friends after that, and I tried harder to be a kid that she deserved. I got to see Shuichi every week again. I didn't tell him to shut up anymore, so he started talking to me about things like his favorite book series (it was the Theodore Boone series by John Grisham) and his favorite video game series (it was Nancy Drew). He really liked mysteries. He still does, though of a much more... bizarre genre.  
  
I think I was 11 when Shuichi started inviting me over to watch Danganronpa.  
  
He'd bring me downstairs to his room in the basement and we'd huddle together to watch it on the little screen of his iPhone. When his mom came downstairs to ask if we wanted food, he'd turn it off and we'd start giggling as we went upstairs and chatted about our favorite characters over dinner.  
  
There was something kind of thrilling about watching a show that was so simultaneously wacky, fun, and disturbing. Shuichi said his favorite part about it was the mysteries, but he got used to the gorey stuff after a while. I, on the other hand, thought the most interesting part was how completely despicable these loveable characters truly turned out to be. The backstabbing, the betrayal... it really interested me. I liked how complex the characters could be.  
  
Shuichi and I would roleplay sometimes. He was always a detective, so I'd either be his sidekick or the culprit. Maybe both. We talked about things like headcanons and OCs and all that jazz. You know, typical preteen stuff. Not that non-preteens don't do that either, it's just that our ideas were really weird and stupid, haha.  
  
At the same time, I was skipping a lot of grades in school. I had always been smarter than average, I guess, but I had never really tried hard until after Mom's accident. Once I started studying more, I ended up jumping straight through middle school and high school exams. Mom said she was really proud of me, so I kept working harder and even got accepted into universities.  
  
I had this dream where I'd graduate with a 4.0 and work an amazing job in the city. I'd make a ton of money and pay back my mom for all that she'd done for me, and then I would be able to visit Shuichi while he was in college and we could hang out all the time like we used to. I told myself that if I could do that, I would be happy and everything would be perfect.  
  
Of course, things didn't turn out that way, because now I'm signed up to die in a murderfest.  
  
I didn't realize how lonely college would be. There's the age gap, first of all, and I've never really talked to anyone besides Shuichi, so I don't know how to make friends. I'm hours away from home because this is one of the best universities that gave me a scholarship, so I never get to see Shuichi or my mom.  
  
It wasn't too bad at first, because I would call them every day. I'd tell my mom about my classes and I'd speculate about mastermind theories with Shuichi. We talked about how we'd always keep in touch and stay friends no matter what the distance was between us. When I got frustrated with schoolwork or lay in bed feeling like shit, I'd call Shuichi. Even in the dead of night, he'd pick up and listen to me. In his mumbly little sleepy voice, he'd comfort me and say how much he missed me.  
  
But, after a while, I started calling less and less. I skipped class a lot. I couldn't find the strength to take care of myself and frankly, I didn't want to. I'd spend all day watching Danganronpa and I'd feel like shit about it afterwards. I'd sleep through entire days because I couldn't care enough to get out of bed. I briefly entertained the thought of seeing a therapist, but I couldn't bear to spend more of my mom's hard-earned money on something so pointless.  
  
Shuichi started to get busier with high school, so he'd turn down my calls sometimes, saying he needed to focus or get more sleep. It got to the point where we'd barely manage a call every two months.  
  
I started having nightmares a lot. They were often about the things I'd done when I was younger. I'd wake up left with the image of my mom, turned away from me. She wouldn't look at me. No one would look at me. No one would care about someone like me. No matter how hard I tried to cover it up, I could never make up for what I'd done. Maybe that's why Dad killed himself. Maybe he wanted to get away from me. I can't blame him.  
  
Another even scarier thing happened, and that was when I started falling in love with Shuichi.  
  
I'm not sure when exactly my feelings started to change. All I know is that whenever Shuichi did pick up, I never wanted the call to end. I loved the sound of his voice, and the way it became deeper but only just the slightest bit. I loved his slight stutter, which he had been improving on with his speech therapist. I missed his face, so I would look over old photos of us playing cards and jumping off of swings, eating ice cream and singing in the children's choir.  
  
I asked him if we could video call, and I nearly melted when I finally got to see his real, live face again. He was so beautiful and cute and his smile was so sweet. His eyelashes were so long, and his hair had grown out a lot. I joked a bit about how he almost looked like a girl, and he laughed nervously at that. God, his laugh. I wanted to hear it every single day.  
  
I wondered what it'd be like to run my fingers through his hair. I wondered how different our hugs would feel now that he was getting taller than me. I dreamed about going home and lying together on his twin bed in the basement, cuddling as we watched a mystery movie together. He'd propose a theory, I'd propose the opposite, and we'd bet 5 bucks on who'd win.  
  
More recently, I've been thinking about how soft his lips must be, how sweet and gentle just like his smiles. I think about sneaking my hands up his shirt, pressing wet kisses into the base of his neck and feeling his heartbeat beneath mine. I think about him, hot and breathy and inside me, telling me how good I am, how amazing I feel, how much he wants to come in me and make me his.  
  
I love him. I really love him so much. I'm so in love with Shuichi, I don't know what to do.  
  
God, it feels embarrassing just writing about it.  
  
If Shuichi knew, he'd hate me. He'd finally realize how gross and terrible I am, and then he'd give up on me for good. That's why I can't be honest about my feelings. I can't bear to live in a world where Shuichi hates me, I can't.  
  
Even if he somehow accepted me being this way, there's no way he'd love me back. I'm a useless, arrogant coward, and I still get off on watching other people suffer. I ruined so many years of my mom's life, and I ruined so many years of Shuichi's life. I ruin everybody I touch. I ruin myself. I hurt myself and cry to Shuichi about it because I'm desperate to feel loved, because I want attention and he's the only one who will give it to me. See, even now, I'm just using him. I only know how to care about myself. I don't even care about myself.  
  
If I was worth loving, I wouldn't have auditioned for Danganronpa. I wouldn't be trying to run away now because I'm sick and tired of always hating myself for every moment of my life. I would own up to my problems and change myself, I would work hard and make them proud and I would stop wasting time feeling sorry for myself.  
  
But I'm not worth loving. I'm a selfish piece of shit. So, that's that.  
  
If you're reading this Shuichi, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a horrible person. I'm sorry I can't bring myself to change. I've been trying. Ever since Mom almost died, I've been trying, but it's not enough. I need to try harder, but I can't. I don't know how to do this. No matter how many times you forgive me, I just keep hurting you again. So please, stop forgiving me and start hating me already. Let me finally die. Then everything will be like it should be.


	4. My Will

It's been a few days since I wrote the previous chapter. I spent most of the time lying in bed peeling the skin off of my fingers. Typing this hurts.  
  
Don't worry, I ate some ramen and ordered a pizza, I'm taking excellent care of myself.  
  
I've been thinking about Shuichi some more. I keep wondering why he decided to call me last week.  
  
The thing is, in the past 2 years, we've barely talked at all. Things are so different now. Shuichi doesn't smile much anymore. He wears a dumb cap and doesn't look me in the eye. I try to spark up some conversation over Danganronpa, and it seems to work for a while, but once Shuichi starts getting really into it, he just suddenly... stops. Like there's something on his mind that he won't tell me.  
  
We used to talk about everything together. I really miss that.  
  
I hope Shuichi has found some good friends in his school. I won't go into too much detail because it's not my business to share his personal issues, but he had a really rough time growing up. It's because of people like me that he went through his early years with nothing but bullies after bullies. He has a lot of family problems too, thanks to his abusive father. Anyway, he's been trying really hard to reach out more and beat his anxiety. I'm really proud of him.  
  
Shuichi, are you reading this? I'm proud of you. If you've read this far, then that means I haven't disgusted you that much, right? That makes me happy.  
  
I'm not really sure what you think of me anymore. People change a lot, and it scares me. I worry that maybe I'm just in love with who you used to be, or who I wish you would be. Maybe I'd fall in love with anybody that showed me attention. See, that's so unfair to you. You're more than just "the one guy that remembers I exist". You have your own life, your own family, your own friends. It's selfish of me to want you to give more of yourself for me.  
  
I still want it though. I'm a selfish person.  
  
I hate it. I hate how selfish I am. I hate how I always joke around at the expense of others, just to try and make people laugh. Honestly, I probably annoy people more than anything. It's annoying, right? I'm too loud and I overexaggerate everything and I pretend to be mad at people, what's so funny about that.  
  
Then when I'm quiet, people start to wonder what's up, if something happened to me. No, not really, I just decided to stop being over the top and try not to bother people. But since people fawn over me with concern when I act that way, I've started taking advantage of that by using it for attention. I hate that I do that.  
  
Especially with Shuichi. I'm scared that I'm just using him because he's the only person who will pay attention to me. I've been doing this with him for so long, I don't even know if I've ever treated him the way a friend is supposed to.  
  
Everything, everything, everything is always somehow about me. Even when it should be about him. Like, I still remember the first time Shuichi opened up to me about his insecurities.  
  
It was when we went on a summer camp with our youth group together. I didn't really want to go, but Shuichi was scared because his mom signed him up and he didn't really know anyone. So we opened up a cookie stand so I could raise money to go with him.  
  
Shuichi burned his first batch of cookies and I laughed at him, but then when my batch was burned too, he didn't laugh at me. They were snickerdoodles, his favorite kind. He'd sneak some cookie dough when his mom wasn't looking.  
  
When we finally got to go to camp, it started thundering on the second night. We were out playing hackysack when it started raining, and by the time we got back to the cabin, we were soaking wet. That's when Shuichi found out that I'm terrified of thunder. I was so mortified and I didn't want anyone to see me like that, so I hid in the bathroom. He wrapped me up in his towel because I forgot to pack mine, and he held my hands while I started having a breakdown.  
  
What a dumbass, that's why he got sick the next day. While everybody else was outside having fun, we stayed in bed and started talking about things on our minds. You know, those kinds of deep conversations people have at 2am when they're tired and lonely and sad. That's when Shuichi first told me about how much he hated himself and his "stupid disorder". When he told me about how hard everything was because of this one thing he couldn't help, it made me feel really bad about the things I'd said to him. I wanted to apologize, but I wasn't really able to say it. It was just stuck in my throat and wouldn't escape. I guess I didn't feel sorry enough.  
  
But still, no one had ever trusted me enough to share that kind of stuff about themselves, you know? It made me feel needed. Even after all that, I didn't even think about how to comfort Shuichi. All I could think about was how much better it made me feel, to think that there was someone out there who wanted to spend time with me.  
  
Now, instead of holding my hands when I'm scared of thunder, he tells me over the phone not to hurt myself.  
  
I remember the first time I cut myself, I went too deep and got blood all over the kitchen tiles. I was freaking out so bad, but I'm an idiot and called Shuichi instead of a fucking hospital. I cried a lot and he tried his best to help me calm down. It was really sweet. If I have to be honest, my reaction was very exaggerated. I hadn't cried a single tear while doing the actual cutting, but then I was such a dramatic bitch on the phone, whining about how much I wanted to die and how much I needed someone to save me from this hellhole.  
  
Ugh, it's because of people like me that bitch for attention that no one takes depressed preteens seriously. At least now I have the decency to hurt myself without bothering someone every single time! Just kidding. I swear, I really have been clean for the past few months. Please don't be disappointed in me, Shuichi.  
  
Part of what makes me feel guilty about signing up for this game is that I don't even have it that bad. Here I am, making a mess of myself and whining about it when the only one ruining my life is myself. If I just stopped being so stupid and selfish, I could easily be living a perfectly happy life. I'm extremely fortunate to be able to get a college education at my age, and I've never been through any real trauma or abuse. See, someone like Shuichi has an actual excuse to be tired of living. But he's much kinder and stronger than I am. I'm just pathetic.  
  
I think, maybe I started putting too much faith in the wrong things. That dream I had where everything would fall into place and I would finally be happy became everything to me. That was the end goal, that was all I had. But it's unrealistic, right? It was stupid of me to ever think that there was some magic thing that could make everything okay again. Life is never "okay" forever. Shuichi is just another human being, he can't save me.  
  
Yes, I'm aware that I've made myself unhealthily dependent on Shuichi. I know it's wrong for me to keep using him like this, just to make myself feel loved. I know it's wrong for me to force myself to go through life by telling myself it's for his sake. I know I'm just hurting myself every time I think that I could never live without him, but I don't care. I don't fucking care. I want Shuichi to love me and make me feel alright, even if it's fake and shallow and still leaves me empty.  
  
Shuichi, please love me. If you see me on that TV screen and think to yourself for even a moment, "I didn't want this," that would make me so happy. If you read this and see how much I wanted you, and start to hate yourself for not being able to do anything when you had the chance, that would make me really happy. Haha, I'm so horrible, aren't I? I'd rather make you suffer if it means I could have mattered to you.  
  
It's funny, isn't it? No matter how much I try to change, I'm still the same person deep down. Rotten. I feel so rotten. I'm so gross.  
  
Well, enough of that. If I keep up writing about this, I'll just be repeating the same stupid shit. I've already wasted plenty of my life complaining.  
  
So, here is all I have left. This is my will.  
  
To my mom, who has tried so hard to raise me well, I'm sorry that I'm such a failure. I'm sorry about all the times I got angry with you over the stupidest little things, and I'm sorry for all the horrible things I've said to you. You've been struggling so much with losing Dad and trying to pay for my existence, I know now. I really didn't want to do this when I thought about how you'd be alone in that old house forever, all your close family dead before you even get close to hitting retirement, but I really can't go on like this any longer. As awful as it is to say it, I hate myself more than I care about you.  
  
I'm sorry for wasting so much of your money and time, but I won't waste it anymore when I'm gone. I tried to make some money on my own time while in college. But, you know, I'm too young to get any sort of well-paying job. No real work experience, yeah? So I won't tell you how I managed to get my hands on so much cash. I'll be mailing it to you before I go. I hope it makes up for something. You deserve a better kid than me. Thanks for putting up with me for this long.  
  
To Shuichi, thank you for being my first and only friend. You were always patient and understanding with me, even though I never deserved it. I think back on our time together with a terrible sense of longing. Those memories have kept me going for this long, at least.  
  
I'm sure you've moved on by now, leading your own life. I can't read you anymore, that's for sure. I miss the days when I always knew what was going on in that bright head of yours. Do you think of me as often as I think of you? Do you think of me at all? I don't know the answer to that question, and it fills me with this weird mix of dread and nostalgia and frustration.  
  
You should live your own life and be happy. Really. You shouldn't waste your time mourning me, even if I want that in my heart, deep down. Your happiness is infinitely more precious than mine.  
  
To all the strangers that have read my suicide note this far, please remember me. Remember that there was an Ouma Kokichi like this, a "child prodigy" who wanted nothing more than to be happy. Remember that I was hopelessly in love with my childhood friend, but could never learn how to talk about any of my feelings. Remember that I tried all I could to change and become someone worthwhile, even if I was never able to do it in the end.  
  
Whoever I become in Danganronpa, I pray that he is nothing like me. That's my final wish.


	5. The End

Ta-da, the author is revealed!  
  
How many of you could tell it was me? Let me know, so I can reward you with my love and praise.  
  
I apologize for those who were anticipating another story chapter. Some of you expressed that you were excited about what would happen next, so now I feel a little bad for being misleading... **From the start, I was intending for this last chapter to contain all my author's notes**. Since I was invested in playing the whole meta scheme, I resisted adding author's notes and replying to comments for this past month. **I do have a lot of things I want to say about this fic though, so I really hope you read through this. This is the message I hope you take away.**  
  
As a preface, my motivation behind writing fics is purely for "venting", for lack of a better term. I do enjoy writing stories for the sake of fun entertainment from time to time, but when I try doing so, I am never satisfied with the product. Writing is, for me, a way to express emotions that I have a hard time saying out loud, or perhaps are too sensitive or strange for me to tell other people without judgement. I think that as a result, many of my fics are pretty out of character, but that's just what happens when you funnel your ideas through pre-existing fictional characters.  
  
That being said, I wrote the first 3 chapters of this fic in one sitting during a depressive episode. I struggled a lot with depression during high school and early college, though I have made significant improvements in the past 2 years that I am incredibly grateful for. However, despite my many changes in thought, behavior, and beliefs, I find that I still deal with a lot of the same struggles. It is extremely frustrating that I have grown so much, and yet at the heart of it all, it seems like I've gotten nowhere at all.  
  
That's the kind of feeling I had that gave birth to this particular version of pre-game Ouma. He's a self-insert in this fic, honestly. I wrote the 4th chapter of this fic a few weeks after my initial writeup of the first 3 chapters, and since I was no longer in the middle of a depressive episode, I found it hard to portray the feeling I wanted. So, I looked back through some of the drabbles I write for myself when I'm in the absolute pits, and even copy-pasted some of it right into the 4th chapter. Can't get any more "self-insert" than that. I hope the flow of the chapter was still intact.  
  
The one thing that really differentiates me from this Ouma is his overwhelming "love" for Saihara. I'm aromantic, and the whole idea of being romantically attracted to someone just doesn't click with me. However, though I don't have those feelings, I have a strong desire to obtain them. I want to want somebody, if that makes sense. Even though the idea of a completely codependent "would do anything for each other, become obsessively infatuated with one another" relationship is frankly very unhealthy, I still enjoy it. In my mind, two people who are "yandere" for each other is a very attractive concept.  
  
The problem is that such a relationship is not realistic. I think that in this world, though we try to convince ourselves it's true, we human beings cannot ever fully satisfy each other's longing for happiness. So, that's the driving conflict for why Ouma, when faced with the choice between life or death, chooses to die because he cannot foresee a future where he will truly be happy, even if Saihara were to return his feelings, even if he were to one day pay his mother back in full, etc.  
  
**Regarding chapter 1** , it's my poke at AO3 and its community more than anything. Yeah, I'm also guilty of immediately clicking out of first person fics. Also, speaking as a computer scientist myself, I thought it would be funny to have a bot that autoposted on this website. I really enjoyed the idea of making a meta fic like that. On that note, I decided to initially post anonymously because there is this sort of "author bias" that exists too. I'd like to be judged for my writing fic by fic, not as "that one author that once wrote a gross fic where Saihara murdered Ouma and ripped out his organs", for example. Lmao, check that one out if you want, I enjoyed writing it. It has a similar self-insert.  
  
**Regarding chapter 2** , each of the scenarios that Ouma shares is meant to be both reflective of the character they became in NDRV3 (Angie, Harukawa, Akamatsu), and reflective of aspects of Ouma. The artist was extremely lonely deep down, the assassin became completely devoted to one person, the pianist was eventually destroyed by their emotions. (Side note, Chopin is indeed my favorite composer. I love playing his Ballades. Check them out.) Do you know why his favorite one was the one where he was a heartless dictator that enjoyed hurting others? Because it's the one that's most unlike himself.  
  
**Regarding chapter 3** , I really just dumped a lot of my own experiences growing up. I grew up in the church, I was a bully as a kid, I was always considered above average in academics, only being held back by a lack of motivation. I had no close friends for most of the time and had a hard time making and keeping friends for the rest of the time. And as I mentioned earlier, I suffered from depression for a lot of my teenage years.  
  
There was not originally meant to be much of a message in this fic, I really was just expressing my own experiences through the mold of pre-game Ouma. I do have two messages now, though.  
  
Perhaps one of the sad ironies of this story is that it is true that Ouma and Saihara have grown so far apart that Ouma doesn't even realize Saihara will be in Danganronpa as well. I hope the lesson that can be taken from this is that **it is important to express your feelings toward others when you have the chance, no matter how embarrassing or difficult it may be**. It's very freeing, I find. Good communication is invaluable.  
  
Secondly, if you did find this fic relatable, perhaps concerningly so, please know that life isn't as hopeless as you may tell yourself. **Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, please**. I'm very glad that I have met people who have cared for me and supported me as I've begun to change and grow. If not for that, I might be as dead as Ouma now. You will find those people if you look for them. Your brain might tell yourself that you're not worth it, but that's a lie. Even if you don't deserve it, you are alive now for a reason. **Keep living, there is boundless happiness to be found, even if you cannot see it yet**.  
  
If you have any questions or comments about the fic, please let me know. I love love loooove reading and replying to comments. And I'm down to talk about anything else too, hmu on Discord at hinaflower#2053. Thanks for reading.


End file.
